i wish you would // cranberry orange loaf
In my last blog post, I mentioned that I had a cranberry orange loaf in the oven. Well folks, it worked and I’ve decided to share it with you! I also thought I would give you an update on how my doctor’s appointment went and share a little bit about my week.
As you might remember reading, I was not looking forward to seeing my doctor but I made the appointment because society tells you to do stuff like that when you’re a mess. I went to the appointment, already exhausted from the mental preparation it took to get there, and then I was told the same things I’ve been hearing for almost ten years: that I’m bipolar and to help live with that I can take medication and go to therapy. My doctor spent a whole hour with me before she refilled my prescriptions and sent me on my way. In her defense, listening to me and providing me proper medication is really all she can do. But I was so upset when I left her office. Everything we discussed was stuff I already knew. We talked about the ‘treatments’ and ‘coping mechanisms’ that I have been using for almost a decade. I wanted something new. I’m not saying that taking medication and going to therapy doesn’t help, but I was searching for someone to cure me. I was searching for something that would make it so I never had to walk into my doctor’s office again to talk about my mental health.
I went home exhausted and depressed, craving something or someone to alleviate some of the pain I felt. I was so depressed I was feeling suicidal; it was a low that I haven’t hit in awhile. I expressed this to a handful of my friends and asked if they’d be able to spare twenty minutes of their evening to get coffee or even just come over to give me a hug. No one could make the time for me. No one could give me a few minutes of their day. I didn’t lie about how bad it was. I said I was feeling suicidal, that I was in an unbearable low. But no one came.
I think it might be the most heartbreaking and devastating feeling to realize that your life, your existence as a physical being, is less important that an assignment for school, running errands, or having a clean pair of jeans in the morning. I know it’s a lot to put on someone; it’s a weight that I physically and mentally can’t hold on my own any longer. And I realize that other people have their own weight to carry, that maybe taking some of mine would crush them. But in that moment, when I already felt that my life was worthless, the realization that the mundane, every day tasks in my some of my friends’ lives took priority over my life was just too much to carry. A horrible week followed.
I don’t want to vilify my friends because they’re great. I also didn’t call all my friends, because I gave up after a handful of rejections. I’m sure if I kept calling, someone would have come. But, I learned a really important lesson that night: show up. If someone finds the courage to express how badly they need you, show up. It is something that I fail to do too, even though I know how horrible it feels to be on the other end. If you don’t show up, maybe the next time that person is in a low they won’t bother calling because, from experience, they know no one will show up, and that is a really scary thought. So just show up. If you can’t physically be there, call. Check in, even if it’s just a text.
I don’t really have a transition to tell you about this recipe, it’s yummy and creating it this week helped distract me from my head. Maybe it’ll help you do the same?
cranberry orange loaf
active time: 10 minutes ~ total time: 65 minutes
- 1 tbsp orange zest
- 1/4 cup orange juice
- 1/2 almond milk
- 1/3 cup oil
- 1/3 cup aquafaba
- 1 cup sugar
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 2 1/2 cups Bob’s All Purpose Gluten Free Flour Blend
- 1 tbsp baking powder
- 1 /2 tsp baking soda
- 1 tsp xanthan gum
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 1 cup fresh cranberries, thawed if frozen
- Mix the orange zest, orange juice, milk, oil, aquafaba, sugar, and vanilla until combined.
- Sift in the flour, baking powder, baking soda, xanthan gum, and salt and mix until just combined.
- Fold in the fresh cranberries.
- While the oven preheats to 350, let the batter rest.
- Place batter into a greased loaf pan and bake for 55 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.